The End.

(New journal has been created to continue the story for privacy and potency reasons, if anyone else wants to come along to the new journal just ask and mostly likely i will let you in.)

-Christian C.

Seems as if there is more...

Im not quite done yet.almost done. dangerously finished.

Shit I thought this thing was just going to drag on and on forever.

But theres actually a center here.

comming soon.

-Christian C.

-Happy hour-

about one drink away from god,
all those god damn Buddhist doubted me,
they said desire could never lift me up,
up the skirt of eternity.

But they got a whole lot nerve to say,
from behind the gods that keeps them safe,
A Libras thighs they've never taste,
An ancient wine they let go to waste
(let us waste...)

one step from understanding you,
but this gap is one deadly leap,
and why should i be the first to move?
eye to eye you've never moved for me,

thats the whole promblem with these days,
no ones willing to cut and bleed away,
we can only leave the way we came,
our strongest link weaved the weakest chain...

what an honor it is to sink with you,
such a feeling to tug on angel's robes
and rape heaven's skin from the sky,
the thought of greater we cant abide...

clever matches preach of god and me,
light the cigarrett of a stripper that once was "Eve"
Though i can pay my bill and walk on out,
but no "human" can ever leave.

about one drink away from god,
all those god damn buddhist doubted me,
they said desire could never lift me up,
up the skirt of eternity...

-Christian

I remember once long time ago,
I use to say what im going to say right now:
That im lost and confused and ive been so wrong and im sorry.
I hate not being trusted and no one trust me for anything, especially myself.
I want to blame it on myself for ruining my life but i think back and i feel that i did what i had to, to survive. Ive made mistakes of course but what do you expect from someone who had no experience or who isnt living the white picket fence dream in wich the rewards and consequences are predictable. Ive always been on my own and from time to time people helped but they did it in pitty. "poor kid, hes never going to get it". Get what? what exactly is it that i do that everyone recents me for? Why do i have so much bad luck? Ive worked so hard for one thing and every rule in life promised that "you get what you work for" or to "never never never give up" or "to always respect others beliefs" or to "never be a follower, always be the leader" , Ive done all this and so much more why is it that my brother who works less than me lives in an apartment and gets to have fun every day, why is it that my sister can go to college to be a doctor, why is it that all my friends complain about what woman to choose and thats the highlight of thier drama, why does everyone around me get all these things that i would cherish and they just neglect or abuse? What did i do to deserve this life? Ill never succeed because i dont have the money to do so, my daughter will never have a reason to look up to me for because i dont even look up to myself anymore, my father doesnt trust me with anything, my grandparents are dieing and sick of helping me get out of all these strange bad luck accurences, they think im cursed already because how perfectly things go wrong for me, they think god is punishing me for.....for what?! for trying to live differently because what everyone was doing was not me?! Every one puts me down, I have no ones respect, and only in my head i use to think it was because i was doing something great. ya right. You know where i was suppose to be right now, I was suppose to have met a great woman years ago, a soul mate that we helped eachother to success, then we were suppose to take care of others like my family and hers, I should of been married and happy with a daughter just like
Adia, I was suppose to somehow be able to pay for my college and get an education and all hell was suppose to break loose like it does in all our lives, but i would of had a great women to come home to that made it all worth it. Thats what i worked for, thats why i got up in the morning or from off the streets, thats why i kicked so many addictions, thats why i tried so hard, that was my peace on earth. I would of loved her more than any one could. I would of been a great friend to her. But i dont belong here, im uninvited. This isnt the realm of peace, just conflict. Every sign keeps pointing me to just....leave. Theres nothing for me here anymore. just guilt for throwing my life, my family, my friends, my sanity, for a woman that doesnt exist. 22 years old and i have nothing to offer anyone. Im pointless. This is all pointless. I just wish i knew what i did wrong, but no one will tell me. was it wrong? Ill never succeed, i dont have the money to do it and if i did have the money i dont have the family or friends to support me, and i especially dont have someone to go through it all with me...and even if i do decide to just keep going, im going to be that quiet broken kid that has nothing to say because who would believe that anything i say is worth anything...like a bum on the streets people will just give their sympathy. no one wanted to be with me when i was striving for success, why would they want to be with me when i have no chance in success. Whats the point in living if i cant get what i want or at least know what it was that i wanted. I use to know...but even god hated me for that decision. I thought this was what you wanted. I guess not. God, if you have any compassion for me, please just kill me. because after all these years that i begged you to do so, I fear that i finally have every thing i need to do it myself. Save me from myself. I have to go.

-Christian

Yes this is one of those rare LJ moments when i post pictures of my soon to be fameous daughter Adia...



( Read more... )

I bought her a imported Spaniard accoustic guitar for Christmas, today she learned her first Em chord and her first gypsy slide. It was awesome seeing her learn so fast. She says she wants to play like me but dance like Shakira.........ok.......good enough. I adore my daughter, the only girl in this whole world that hasnt hurt me.
It worries me to see her so much like me, she already does what i use to do when i was her age (5 yrs), I catch her sitting alone in a room "thinking about god and if hes real or not", or she describes what Soul Mates are after watching Disney movies:

HER: "Its not real its just make belief huh daddy? but its kinda the way it should be, soul mates are when God hits one angel on the head and slpits them into a boy and a girl angel and you have to always be yourself and dont lie....huh daddy? huh? daddy? huh?"

ME: Baby your scaring me...

I really dont talk to her about me, Im kinda ashamed to not be able to tell her that dreams come true so i stay quiet and just play. Usually I just listen to everything she has to say...she has a lot to say, sometimes typical "I want a pony" stuff and then she all of the suddens starts talking psychology or "why we do what we do" in her words: "You take pictures of very pretty girls, they are very pretty....I bet they let you take pictures of them because only you can see how pretty they are". Shes interesting and so calm, I just dont know what advice to give her anymore since tradition and dreams both are dead, I just let her do what she does, I of all understand why she sits alone in a room... thinking.

I wish i could tell you that dreams come true. But maybe youll finish what i started one day.

-Christian

My supervisor from my temp agency finally asked me out. Shes so cute. Shes actually 26 and just got divorced (she keeps reminding me) and wanted me to go hang out at a bar or something. I cant hang out really but i told her yes just incase she was implying that me and her should....bond....sometime. Im so confused about myself right now (for the first time in a long time) that if that is what she was implying, i certainly would just submit. take me, im vulnerable. But unlike anyother person ive dated, shes successful, secure , sexy and has money. So im attracted of course.

I found a great remake of an old song for the Pheonix, Its strange how i keep finding all these perfect things to send her. I wish it would stop because its makes me have all these.... fluffy hopes. But i told her that i cant just let these things sit there and not send them, that would be pointless and stupid. Its a beautiful song and i know she will love it.

Everything is clearing up, just one more obstacle: finding a ride home from work at 1 am. I conqure that and i should be fine. well...actually i now have the girl that asked me to hang out. Shes so cute.


-Christian

I just won a trip to las vegas or 500$ shopping spree.

well ...*circles foot in dirt*

thanks and all dearest universe but can i have my car back please? while your at it can i have a palmigranite and a bottle of wine.

and some sushi.

and mabey a cute tattoed up girl to share it with.


-Christian

Lucky man.

Im worthless and not amazing.

there, you happy.


-Christian

Didnt want it all,
But it all came my way,
Hollowed emptied hands,
held out for hers to stay,
Can you hear me God?
When i Understand,
How this boy will grow,
grow to be her man.
Wake up,

get up,

Reach up,

Pull up,

Bloom.

-Bloom, Christian Caballero


I didnt want it all indeed. I scare myself sometimes for how mch i know about our human race. Its difficult talking to people that are not ...how can you say...well...they perfer socializing than reading a book i believe is the nice way to say it. Since i dont have a car and yesterday i spent my day laying in a stoney ditch looking for a bus stop that didnt exist and waiting in the freezing cold for a bus that never came. My sister brought me to my mothers house so that she can drop me off at work in the morning. I hate being there because my mother is the most ignorant person in the world. She just never listens to me, she talks over me, she tries to teach me what i already know so on and so on. Its just stupid trying to talk to her and shes even a counciler for the far fetched spiritual/ inner child community. Shes also a hypno therapist. But she sucks at it all. After a conversation with some people last night, they and I were kinda disturbed about how someone as young as me has so much information about the world, psychology and sociology. They were dissapointed that someone with such a grasp on reality and strong effect on people has turned against his own kind. Here is where i am spiritualy and evolutionarily:

*while talking to my mother and her students*

ME: There is absolutely no doubt in our success, that was never the problem, the problem (we all must face) is getting to the ends of success with a sense of compassion still left for contribution and a sense of faith in others. Our society and Economy is not built for the compassionate, its built for the ignorant. Like I said, there is no doubt in our success, but when i am in a state of power and have a choice in either holding on and pulling up others who have faced the same struggles as I, or giving back the hell that every one caused on my journey, right now ... I hope you all suffer and die. All I wanted and needed was an equal companion to share this life with, a lover, a soulmate. My mother herself knows that that was the only thing that calmed me, but since the world wont play along with harmony, women are either (EVE) insecure, unproductive, apprehensive or (Lilith) power hungry, sexualy abbusing, hypocritical whores, and i didnt get the white milk to feed my own compassion then let the black milk flow. Do unto others what has been done to me. Ive been patient, but you all made your choice and it led to exile. Ill help mother nature kill you and I all off to clean this shit hole.

Them: Is that the final judgement of the Indigos? (typical question from the far fetched bull shit spiritual community)

ME: (fine, ill speak their language so that they understand) The indigos are lost or dead...They were too in love with the memory of heaven to care about the reality of this earth. Im the last who cared, and yes that is my decision. I hope you all sink with the children.

Now the trick about speaking to any type of spiritual/metaphysical community is to view the conversation objecively as a painted picture or piece of art. Of course a sad person can only mirror that emotion on canvas and vica versa. In this case, I drew a dark, meloncholy image that not only did they not turn away from, but because of its honesty and potency, they asked for more. God help me.

-christian

I dont want it anymore, Give me money. All the money i want. So i know the difference between dreams and reality. This is the only thing that is real. I hate who ive become. But it wasnt my fault.

-Christian

New years was fine. Hanged out with the family and such, I didnt drink much at all, I was sobering up to go to another party. Because of all the snow I crashed my car into a light post. My car is fucked up but its insured. Ok not bad, no bad omen yet. Every one in the family cool about it and jokes about it but my dad keeps flipping out. Next morning i get my cousins car to use untill insurance fixes it, every one being cool and then my dad comes over with some attitude. He says that i shouldnt of taken my sisters husband with me because it was rude to take him away from his wife on this special day and that my sister was sad about it. First of all, my dad saying that kind of shit to me is inappropriate because hes not even my father, he abandoned me when i was younger and he has no right telling me to do anything. It was the first time in probobly 4 years he talked to me like that and I flipped out!

ME: Dont act like you know what the hell was going on! I didnt want to take him because i didnt want him to see how i live on the other side of my lives. I took him because my sister keeps begging me to start being close to the family and hanging out with her husband and this is what i get for trying to be close to the family!? I swear to god this is why i hate having friends and being close to anyone! you are all fucken drama queens, why cant anyone say what they mean!? Why couldnt my sister tell me not to take him away?! Why couldnt he tell me that it was going to be a problem?! and why the hell are you comming here telling me this shit like you know what the fuck i was doing?! I did what was right to my knowledge, trying to be close to the family, there was nothing wrong with it. Fine! i wont EVER take him anywhere and the whole being close to you drama queens can all go to hell you delluted liars. Trying to tell me how to live right?! why dont you start teaching your beloved daughter how to say what she means and quit being such a pussy about shit! dont have her send you here to tell me what to do, you know very well that you have no place or logic within this situation.

--

hopefuly I got all the tragedies out of the way for this new year. Every thing should be fine from this point on. My family is cool, at least my grand parents side, but my dad can go to hell, he always loved my sister more than me anyways so fuck him. This is the first time we faught in years, he cant beat me now, he knows it, id kill him. so he has no other choice but to listen. My poor car, Its all trashed, i have full coverage but still i have to pay deductible. Everything is fine, it just bothers me to know he gives a shit less about me. Im still that boy watching him buy my sister everything and beat me. fuck him.

-Christian

I first dreamed about Vampires drowning in a lake...later i went to some huge concrete basement where every one was mingling around, I saw a girl holding a small boys hand (proboboly her son or her little brother), I looked closer and recognized who she was. Kimberly. I hid in the crowd wondering if i should say something...then i got closer and saw ever detail of her face...the dream became lucid after this, I wondered why i cant remember how she looks like in real life but here she is, in freckle in place, the weight of her hair correct, her smile, her nose, the dimples when she laughs...perfect. She saw me and smiled, we didnt say one word, but hugged fiercly, I remember thinking how amazing it felt to hug her, I remember trying to find the perfect places to put my arms around, I remember thinking if im hugging her too long and tried to back off...but then she pulled me in tighter, I remember always wanting to be here, not as a lover or a friend, just with the greatest inspiration in my life. I love her so much, I remember that being undeniable at that moment. I could smell her hair, I missed her feckles and those dimples. I missed her blueish silver eyes. I missed how short she was. Her striped shirts she use to wear. Her fingers and pale skin. I wanted two things at that moment, to marry her, or to have kill me happily in her arms. In this dream. Then strike me dead in bed this night. Almost 9 years now. Almost a decade. When people ask me why I kept silent for so long to you, honestly, its because i know im not good enough. Im still not good enough. I will never be good enough. You are so amazing. And im so ugly. I wish i was beautiful, like you.

Happy New Year.

-Christian

God once told me "its really not that big of a deal."

ya, but wheres the fun in that?

-Christian

Dead end road for a dead end girl!.....

...Die! die! die! my darling.


Why am i drinking Jack Daniels and moshing alone on a work night?

wh....what th...fuck...

i should be in bed.

good night.

"Put one hand on evil,

the other on good,

and lift yourself up and beyond the smell of flesh.

The "devil" is just the wall that protects heaven.

the only way to the other side of an endless wall,

is to become it,

then break yourself.

the majority of the world would scold "sinner",

but the majority of the world is a dieing, self destructive breed.

I do hope you find what you are looking for darling,...

because i can't wait to meet you here."

- (16 years old) "Angels" Christian


ok, i broke. lets mend the best memories with the best perceptions with the best body and a beautiful mask to fool them all with. money or god, sex or love, artist or office, evloution or death. common darling, your not playing along. Where are the ones who play along? you promised. Remember?

*slaps hand* Bad Christian! Bad ! Bad! Bad!

What i did last night was bad. honestly that was probobly as sinful as i can get, they gave me all three of thier panties as a christmas gift to remember. *shakes head* bad bad bad! drugs, sex and rock and roll. man what came over me. *slaps self* bad Christian, bad!
I NEVER done anything like that before in my LIFE! Its was great. but...... bad! Bad bad bad E%@$#%@$#%@@$# AHH! bad.

anyways.

Its Christmas, i spent all day sleeping off the hangover from last night, the whole family came and we had a great christmas. I did have a guilty look on my face though. What happened the night before was simply amazing. That was certainly one of the greatest Christmas gifts i ever got. bad Christian! oh dear lord this is going in the record books. I cant go into details. You know i would in any other occassion but this needs to be slipped under the rug. I definately marked off alot in the "things to do before i die" list. Shit i think that night pretty much covered it. What came over me. whew!


Merry Christmas to all my LJ friends.

May it have been as *clears throat* exilerating as mine.

-Christian

Im just going to give up.

I have so much to write about, Its 2 am and i have my final interview for my job at 11am. I cant sleep, i have so much good and bad in my head right now. more than usual.
First of all i hanged out with Chase and Tophe and all our other friends for the past 3 days, first night we had a huge party and every one was messed up beyond belief, I made out with a girl and got her number but im not too interested, I did make a friends with some new people that are awsome as hell. The next morning we went to the bar at 11am and stayed there drinking with Chase and Tophe till i think 6 or 8pm, we all got drunk and talked about shit that i honestly didnt believe these guys had inside of them, its strange to hear what they had to say and since that day ive trusted them to tell more about what im all about as well. I met a girl at the bar who knows my X girlfriend cody and i spilled my guts on how amazing she was at the time and how much i fucked it all up. Till this day i think that all of this hell im going through is probobly the karma from what ive done to women in the past, but regardless i claim innocence. We went home and some more friends came over Britney, Courtney, Julia Gulia, we all played a drinking game and mingled a little, Britney has a great personality she reminds me of Cody, i love hanging out with her, Courtney is a little sensative to what i say, she always thinks im bragging but Britney understands thats i respect a certain type of mentality and i really dont mean any harm by what i say, its just me. Julia is Chases girl, she is a kick ass girl too, this crew knows a lot of girls with great personalities, I love Julia shes funny as hell to piss off and we just go back and forth at it like brother and sisters fighting, I always pretend shes evil "Shuuuut the hell up Julia, you dont celebrate the day of Christ....". Its great. Theres a girl named Serina there too, we HATED eachother since day one, but i hated her back then because me and Cristy were talking and having a great time and she comes in for no reason telling people to keep Cristy in line because "shes acting weird", i was just offended because Cristy is a different kinda girl and i wouldnt want someone saying that shit about me, honestly every one always gives her shit when she is having a good time. But at the bar Serina came over and we finally called it cool and just made fun of the whole thing, it was courtneys idea she says we were mad at eachother for the wrong reasons. The night before after our party we went to crash the girls night party and i got to see Cristy, she has the same camera as me and i think its cool shes into photography, i wish we could just hang out as friends but her boyfriend gets pretty damn jeleaous, I really dont know what to think of their relationship every one knows its terrible but what can you do. Every time i see her i always catch her starring at me, analyzing me, comparing me...all i could do is smile, ....i wish i could talk to her more like that one time at the pool. We had a great conversation and just played around like kids. LAter last night it was just me and Topher making fun of the weather man and that Krunk bitch on our news station (it was like 4 -5 am.) I havnt laughed that hard forever that kid is funner than shit and we both were beyond drunk and hung over so nothing made sense. Alisa was right about him, she says that we just talked i would realize that he was a cool kid, ...*Sigh* Alisa, this is where things get sad for me, we both stayed up that night talking about Alisa, our past times and how we met and Alisas strange little gymnastics she does in the mornings on the side walks of our apartment complex, he told me how happy he was with her and visa versa, I use to hate tophe with a passion (for those who read up, this is the kid that i got in a fight with over my brothers girlfriend) but i only put up with him in the past because he made Alisa Unbelievably happy , every one noticed it even me. Now that i got to know him, i know he is far better for her now than who alisa is with now, I heard she stopped going to school, I never seen her so distant, and i know she struggles but she use to able to rise above all that shit easily. The girl never had it easy but the gods made her strong for that reason. She feels so empty now, when we talk she just doesnt sound the same as she use to, like shes trying to convince herself that she is content where shes at now. Regardless, i dont know if Tophe is the right guy for her, i know hes better, and i know he changed alot for the best since they broke up, I just want Alisa to come from the cold again or from whatever hole shes in. I wish she would just hang out with us again. For being such a strange fucken kid, Tophe made alot of sense, especially when it came to knowing how you feel about a girl, we had alot in common i guess, we all have that one person that we self destruct for, or compare everything else to or try to mold everything to her image, only because "Its just not her." We all messed up too, but temperance and time was all he needed. maybe thats all i need too. I went to another job interview this morning for a temp position for overstock.com for extra cash, This is my 3rd interview there because they have to give you all these tests you have to take. I met a girl there named Jessica, shes 28 and pretty damn cute, our first interview conisited of 10 min interview and 1 hour conversation and laughing, ever one there teases her when i come in, and honestly i dont need the job because of course i probobly start tomorrow at my 14$ and hour job, i guess i just go to see her, she keeps stalling the hire and keeps making me come it its hillarious, i just go and me and her co-workers just eat breakfast and drink coffee and crack jokes. I like the romance of it but shes probobly too old for me and she has 2 kids, ill leave her my number since i wont be there any more and ask her to dinner at least. shes good people anyways. I came home and fell asleep playing live HAlO 2, it was funny, all the people online where yelling at me "ARIES! (my halo2 account name) what the fuck are you doing!?" im all "zzzzz...zzzzzz". So i went to bed early but had a terrible dream, I dreamed that i was in the desert with some girl, and i was going around trying to find rattle snakes, in the dream i knew i didnt want to touch them or even pick them up but something came over me and i felt like i had to capture them or they would eventually bite me. So in the dream i caught 3 rattle snakes by grabbing their tail and putting them in some thin plastic back, I put them in my trunk and took them home, my house was like a concrete basement or like a warehouse with alot of windows, there where all these random family members there. Durring the whole dream i was worrying if i got bitten from the snakes or not and later i saw a bite mark on my right hand, I was scared shitless that i was going to die and i showed my mother and father and sisters and all other family members the bite mark and they kinda acted like it was nothing, they said "well you might be lucky, your immune to the poison, but then again it could be fatal *shrugs* we dont know...dont ask us were busy". I spent alot of the dream looking at the bite mark and it was two holes, no swelling, no discoloration, i also looked at my thighs because i remember seeing someone who got bit by a rattle snake, his muscles trembled and he went it these convulsion (sp?), but nothing really happened, i was pissed that my family didnt care but i expected it. I woke up and i couldnt sleep because i wanted to know what the dream meant, just a while ago i looked it up and it says that rattle snakes represent unexpected tragedy or unexpected hard times comming ahead, it says that if i was bitten, it meant that a fight from someone i trust will happen, then it sayed if i captured and killed 3 or more rattle snakes it shows that i would be able to over come the tragedy, it says that being bitten but not poisoned means i have more power over the tragedy than it has on me. Everything has been changing for me, this is a time of a huge transition in my life, career wise and financialy. I recognize the changes, new friends, new ideas, new perceptions, but one thing always remained the same, i cant let it go. the broken heart.
I wish i could just walk away and give up on the ideas i was born with, i know if anything its going to kill me one day, but i think that kind of death is more honorable than a random meaningless one. To die for what you believen. Im so stupid sometimes, I pass up so many girls and choose the ones that are terrible for me and for themselves. Every thing changed so much, I realized its important to have a girl that gets along with your friends too, now that i finally chose to have friends i see thats important since we spend so much time together, it strengthens the realationship to have "her" feel like shes part of these friend's life aswell. But honestly i live so many different lives on the side i hate mixing them, and i know the worlds would clash. These are the things i have to work on i guess. In the dream i had i think its probobly about the Pheonix, I tried to forget (again) but i cant let it go, what is it about me that assumes that she feels anything at all. I feel awfull and confused about the whole thing, honestly i watch myself from an objective point and i just see myself as this unclassified, irrational, unlogical species, I cant make sense of it, I see myself as a man who was hurt beyond belief and he just cant heal that wound, he keeps reminding himself of a day that was long passed and gone. and opportunity that rotted in the hands of another. It wasnt my fault, i keep blaming myself, "Im not interesting enough, im not attractive enough, Im not amazing enough, im not rich enough, im not enough...." but thats the tragedy i guess, the wound that wont heal, is that we have all the power over ourselves, and maybe over others, but none over the way we love. Oh god the things that happen to me were ungodly, how can someone survive so much pain. Im slowly bleeding to death. how can someone live like this?
In conclusion there has been far too many dissapointments this year, when i figured the "truth" of the nature of women, that was the worst, and all the idles i have in my head are suffering and dieing...when i wrote that report for school about women, I had a couple of people in mind to compare them to as an exeption...Kimberly and Alisa. I use to know these girls as being amazingly productive and accomplished so much regardless of the tragic obsticles, but all the goddesses and gods are broken, or lost...after i found out, i had no memory of what attributes i aimed to love and adore, i had no recollection of what to anticipate and desire in a woman, once they have died, so did a part of me. And i saw this comming, people always asked "why so young? why so soon? why now?" because the older we get, the less honest we are, the more weathered our spirits become, the more fragile this is, this skin will crack one day. Every one breaks. Its a matter of when. Ive spoken to Tophe about this, its makes sense that there is always a person in mind that we idle romanticly, and by god, to what extent we must go through to have it, because honestly there is nothing else that matters. Everyone around you just becomes a scattered piece of what you want. A memory of what could of been. What i did and probobly will do for the Pheonix is for that reason, shes the last ill ever witness to have the opportunity to evolve or stay behind...i try to hide it even from myself, I dont even have money to send her, i tell her that i have enough but i sent her money i needed to pay unexpected bills, but i knew i would suffer more if i didnt do it. God its so hard to explain, but i woke up one day from a dream that she asked me for it, and i just had this desire to do it because i felt she needs it. not the money itself, but the idea that some one will always be there for her. Thats what i was trying to say. Ive always felt this fate between us, strangest things happen when shes in my mind, the whole story is too perfect to be intentional, but i think i know what it is, because i have no other choice, fate takes me by the hand to the death of my dreams. I feel it comming like a storm, I knew this had to end, i never knew how. Every soulmate lost thier way, Eve is a whore, every one broke, their was always hope, but that was a blanket that couldnt stretch enough to cover the body of reality,... love froze to death. I lost the courage to confront who i needed to, all the goddesses are lost, all the idles jaded, all who i loved now love me equally... but in the arms of another man, we all suffer. The evolutionary lover becomes merely cupid... becomes a matchmaker, since one that cant do... teaches. it takes one person to do one thing that has never been done before to change a world that demands equality. Since we stand neither above or beneath eachother, we all control the outcome of our destiny together as a human race. I apologize to the ones who were anticipatiing some devine resolution, but its almost done...we take what is shoved in our mouths by the hands of our corporate gods. Jesus Pheonix,
Lets just get this over with. Its a good death, lets finish it..."just take me home". you of all know i dont belong here. I should of gone 6 years ago. I just made it worst for all of us. I fear that in the realm of equality...this stone will sink. Just hold your breath, itll pass. It will fade.

"I rather burn in hell with her...
than pass through heaven with out her..."

-Christian Caballero

God i loved you so much. But the devil won you over.

I can start working on my art.
Heres the Revolutionist Jaqulin.
( The Storm )

more to come